EYE ABDUCTION ON THE RISE or The Worst Newspaper Article Ever

Good news:  One of my articles was finally published in the school newspaper! I worked really hard on it, and I’m happy that my work is finally paying off. The article is similar to most of the stuff I’ve posted on this blog, so I’ve pasted it below. I hope you like it!


Picture this scene: A young, attractive couple stands close to each other as the rain falls down upon them. Instead of getting all damp and gross like normal people, the moisture seems to heighten their beauty exponentially. The man stares into his lover’s eyes, almost as if in a trance. Suddenly, he snaps back into reality and says with a dazed smile on his face, “Oh, sorry. I got lost in your eyes.” Then the music swells and they embrace and the audience cries tears of joy.

I’ll admit it; on more than one occasion I’ve been a member of that audience, lapping up the cheesy nonsense without question. That is the reaction that the media wants us to have; they want us to see getting lost in someone’s eyes as the height of romance, something for us all to aspire to.

The truth, however, is much more sinister. Just ask freshman Alana Mackey.

“It started out like any other day,” she explains, taking in a shuddering breath, “I was shuffling aimlessly around the produce aisle, trapped in my usual debate: Does my love for watermelon outweigh my desire to not brand myself as a stereotype?” She pauses, shaking her head in annoyance. “It’s actually a real problem. Like, if I buy the watermelon, then everybody will judge me. But if I don’t, then I won’t have any watermelon. A real catch twenty two.” At the time, a world in which Mackey could enjoy her watermelon in peace seemed crazy. Little did she know that she was about to become the victim of something much more improbable.

“Suddenly, someone bumped into me,” She says, her eyes growing dark as she remembers her ordeal, “I spun around, ready to face my aggressor. Instead of the fight I’d expected, however, our eyes met, and I couldn’t look away.  Our gazes paused on each other for four seconds. Maybe five. Possibly five thousand! Who can be sure how long it actually was? (Editor’s Note: it was probably only four seconds). Time stood still.”

Mackey had become lost in a fellow shopper’s eyes, one of ten Century College students to find themselves trapped within an optical prison this year; and the numbers are only expected to rise. It’s estimated that in Minnesota alone, one out of five people will suffer from eye abduction in 2014. College students are especially susceptible to this phenomenon. They spend many nights pouring over their textbooks and taking notes in dim lighting which can lead to weakened eyes, making it much easier for more strong-willed eyes to overpower them and absorb them completely, dementor style.

“I never wanted to leave,” continues Mackey, “I felt safe there. I wanted to take up shelter in that icy blue refuge and live out the rest of my days in his irises.” Many victims of eye abduction express similar feelings of security. Once the initial longing subsides, however, a victim realizes that they have arrived without any metaphorical food or supplies to sustain them through the night. That is when the battle begins.The environment of the human eye is one of extremes. During the day, the temperature can soar to record breaking highs, and during the night, it can plummet until it feels as though you are trapped within an icy tundra. “I’d only just arrived, and already a biting, metaphorical case of frostbite was spreading throughout my body. I wondered how long I would survive,” Mackey pauses to stare dramatically out of a window. “I lit a fire in his eyes and huddled around it for warmth.”

Though all cases of eye abduction are different, most people can only survive within another person’s eyes for four or five hours, before the cold, metaphorical wind relating to feelings of longing and hopelessness overpowers them. Mackey was lucky that rescuers were able to break the bond before it was too late. Others, however, have not been so fortunate. Many young people have been found frozen solid, their faces expressionless, and their eyes staring blankly into the distance, forever lost within someone’s unforgiving gaze.

It’s super gross.

How many more people must become victims before we take a stand? How many more must become frozen husks before we spend the money necessary to research this phenomenon? If we keep going the way we’re going, the answer will be far too many.

Time is of the essence, so let us rise up as a nation, and unite against eye abduction before it is too late!


*Sniff* What’s that I smell? *Sniff, Sniff* Hmm…maybe it’s…no, It can’t be! *SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF* Yes, it is! I am getting a distinct whiff of SUCCESS!

Yay, life!



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