The only thing worse than a judgmental person is a person who is also dumb (I mean, I guess serial killers are pretty bad, too). It’s a special kind of stupidly, crafted deep in the bowels of hell by Satan and his master workers, and hurled up to the surface of the earth to fester and annoy normal, unassuming people like myself.
These stupid, judgmental people surround me everywhere I go. In class, they lean over, their noses wrinkled in disgust and ask, “Why do you have so many One Direction binders?”
In the library, they whip their heads around to stare into my soul and snarl, “Are you listening to Big Time Rush?”
And the worst: They wake me in the middle of a perfectly good nap, ripping me away from my peaceful slumber. When I explain to them that I was sleeping, they flippantly reply, “Oh, you sleep all the time. You have time to talk.”
This happens all the time, continuing in a never ending cycle- they wake me up, I try to end the conversation, and they force me to continue talking, all in the name of family.
Let me explain something to you: Sleep is my only friend now. All of the people I used to hang out with have left me in the name of higher education, but sleep, she would never leave my side. She beckons me at all times of the day, filling my soul with her light. Like a fisherman to a siren, when she calls, I must answer. She is forever lifting a cup of her delicious ambrosia in my honor, and I must toast her in return- All hail sleep, that sweet, mysterious temptress!
I love my family. I mean, who doesn’t? But I also love sleep, and it is important to me that I get in nine hours every night, and that I fill my days with light napping. How could they not understand this? How could they deny me of slumber’s sweet escape? These are the questions that used to keep me up at night.
Now, though, I think I have the answer: they just don’t know how wonderful sleeping is.
I know, I know, but hear me out: I’ve heard tales of such people; people who prefer the jarring consciousness of reality to the empty nothingness of sleep. Like you, I thought they were just rumors, scary stories told to children at campfires, but now I see that those people truly exist- AND I’M LIVING WITH THEM.
Perhaps you are forced to share your home with such heathens as well; vile excuses for human beings that will attempt to shame you when you reach for sleep’s sweet release. Never fear: YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT, HERE. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
But just in case their accusations become too much, here is a simple guide to refer to before you catch some zzz’s, using situations we all encounter in our daily lives.
DO I NEED A NAP?
I’ve had a long day of college filled with college things like wearing togas and playing Frisbee in the quad.
Yes, you need a nap.
I attempted to speak with some of my classmates, and it ended in a spectacular show of social awkwardness.
Yes, you need a nap.
I spent countless hours binge-watching Game of Thrones last night instead of doing my homework.
If you don’t take nap, the Lannisters win.
I tried to be a nice daughter and wash the dishes for my mom, but somehow I ended up spilling water on my pants and now it looks like I peed myself.
Yes, yes, to the bedroom.
I tried to look tech-savvy and talk about video games, and was promptly shamed by someone whose knowledge of Zelda far surpasses my own.
Do you even need to ask?
My aunt keeps calling me under the guise of having some “girl time”, but I know it’s just a trap to get me to do manual labor for her.
Pretty sure slavery is over now. To bed with you!
Today in the middle of class, I startled laughing out loud to a random memory and everyone stared at me like I was covered with the dark brown spots of leprosy.
Your sheets will never judge you. Take a nap, my child.
I tried to show a funny Youtube video to people at lunch, but nobody laughed.
The worst. Go to bed!
I hope this list was helpful to you! Together, let us stand in opposition of the judgmental, heads held high, and say in a strong voice, “HEY. I LIKE BOY BANDS, AND I LIKE TO SLEEP, TOO.”