Life Skills: Catch ya never!


Hush, Dawson, it’s for the best. (source)

Do you ever look around your group of friends and think to yourself, “I am an unnecessary, irrelevant sack of flesh, merely occupying space on this dystopian hellscape rather than living”?

While lying in bead at night, do you fixate on the fact that come sunrise, you will be forced to interact with other life forms, their mouths cloaked in spittle and their eyes wide and crazed, for hours upon hours, until you spiral into insanity and ANATHEMA ANATHEMA ANATHEMA.

While at parties, do you find yourself standing alone in a corner while your more sociable friends attempt to coax you out saying, “Come now, friend. It’s true that you’re much less attractive than I, hideous, yes, but come into our circle and sway to the beat”?

If so, you may find it necessarily to rid yourself of all human contact. The easiest way to accomplish this is through a face-to-face conversation, but this method is undesirable for everyone involved. Undesirable for you because your soul dissolved like the morning dew long ago, and the thought of presenting your lifeless husk to another person is unbearable. Undesirable for them because you’ve morphed into a gollum-like creature and they would much rather you return to your cave-swamp.

Instead, why not try sending them a Mix CD filled with songs about separation, then slowly fade out of their lives? Do this, and there can be no confusing your true feelings:

Congratulations on your new life! True, you now have nothing to look forward to but a slow decline in both your mental and physical health, a never ending spiral of pain until finally, at long last, death wraps itself around you like a soft down blanket. When pressed, your mother may remember that at some point, she had pushed a living being out of her body, long, long ago, seemingly eons. “Yes, I believe I had a child,” she will say uncertainly, ” But It’s gone now…”

And you will continue to float on, unburdened and alone, always alone, for the rest of eternity.

PS. Happy Monday! ❤



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