I love my friends. I honestly can’t say that phrase enough: I love my friends with my whole heart. A lot of times, people take friendship for granted, but I think that friendship is one of the greatest treasures we have as human beings. Or at least it’s one of my greatest treasures. As of 2011, there are roughly 6.974 billion people in the world. That 6.974 billion other people that my friends could be hanging out with, and I’m sure the vast majority of them aren’t dabbing spaghetti sauce off of their sweatshirts at this very moment. But they chose me. And for that reason, I love my friends unconditionally.
That being said, on a good day, I’d describe my friends as being “eccentric”. On a bad day, I think I’d go with “TOTALLY F-ING OUT OF THEIR MINDS.
…In the best way possible, of course.
So many things have happened to us that really didn’t need to happen because of our collective insanity. SO many ridiculous things that should shame us, but just enable us to continue on in our never-ending spiral of chaos. And the worst part is that I’m proud of all of them.
But among the huge pool of mistakes we’ve made, I’m most proud of the creation of a film entitled “H.I.We”.
Yep. You read that right: H.I.We. Me and my friends created a romantic comedy about the A.I.D.S. epidemic, staring Reese Witherspoon and Paul Rudd.
I’d like to say that the idea for “H.I.We” was born out of a healthy desire to share with the American public the truth about H.I.V; to put a face to the gruesome disease. And it was. It was just also…mostly an excuse to say the phrase “H.I.We” repeatedly for the rest of lunch. But before you turn your nose up at it, here’s how it starts:
Allison Gallagher (Reese Witherspoon) stands inside the meeting room of the Law Firm she’s been working at for eight years, Simon & Lowe. She’s nervous, and it shows: her eyes dart around the room every few seconds and the tapping of her patent leather heals (a gift from her Nana) bounces off the walls. She’s been waiting for almost thirty minutes. Her bosses, Eric Lowe and Danny Simon, have had thirty minutes to decide whether she being promoted…or fired.
She knew that they had been thinking about expanding. She knew that some of the staff was going to be let go as a result of the changes- they called it “The Next Phase”. She’d known it for some time. And yet, she’d done NOTHING. Nothing to prepare for the probing questions they’d be sure to ask her. Nothing to spruce up her resume. And above, all, she’d done nothing to sell her product: the idea of her staying; of Simon, Lowe, and Gallagher becoming the best possible next phase.
She was reflecting on these shortcomings, and how unmarketable her “product” was, her eyes starting to tear up, when Simon and Lowe finally showed up.
“We’re so sorry about the wait, Allison-”
“I AM NOT A PRODUCT.” Allison screamed suddenly, her eyes wild.
The two lawyers stared at her, aghast, until Lowe dared to speak, “Of course not.” he said reassuringly, his brown eyes perfectly sympathetic and his smile perfectly warm, the way they teach you in law school. Lowe stared at Allison in this way for approximately five more seconds before he cracked, “…Unless…you want to be?”
Allison cried out in frustration, “No! I don’t want to be a product. I don’t want to have to wrap myself up in a neat little bow and do a little jig for you before you know that I’m the right choice- Me! Allison Gallagher, not some random prick from Boston who thinks he knows the law just because his daddy payed all the right people to get him through college. Me. You know I am. God dammit, you know it! I’m smart, I’m experienced, and above all, I fight for justice. So make the right choice. Choose justice. Choose me.”
Simon and Lowe sat in silence for a while, their expressions stony. Then, in unison, they burst into laughter. Simon leaped jauntily up from his chair, his arm extended. “You’re here to stay!”
Allison slowly took his hand, as if in a trance. “You mean…forever? Simon and Lowe are gonna keep me?”
The two men exchange a quick smile before Lowe says,”Simon, Lowe…and Gallagher. You’ve been promoted to partner! Welcome to the team, kid!”
All of the tears Allison held in for so long finally spilled over, “This was…this is…my dream. Thank you! So…that stuff I said WORKED?!”
The two men both shook their heads ‘no’ in unison. “We knew we were gonna end up promoting you the second you walked in here. You’ve got talent, kid. And…We know this was your dream”, said Simon “You’re welcome…but if you ever yell at us like that again, you’re fired.”
“Understood!” Allison screamed as she wrapped them in a hug, “I won’t let you down.”
She then proceeded to let everyone down.
See?! So good, right? And that’s only the first five minutes! Basically,after that, Allison runs out of the building to call her BF, Dirk, and tell him all ’bout the great news. Dirk congratulates Allison and invites her to come over to his loft after work, which she does. Upon arrival, Allison tries to enter his home, but he blocks her way, informing her that he has news, too.
The news? THAT HE’S H.I.V. POSITIVE AND SHE PROBZ IS TOO!
Allison promptly breaks down, asking Dirk how he could hurt her like that. In response, Dirk claims that he could have gotten it from her, prompting Allison to slap him, prompting him to sue her. This is the beginning of Allison’s downward spiral. She’s afraid that she has H.I.V, but she’s also afraid to go get tested. It isn’t until her mental anguish starts affecting her work, that she decide to go down to the free clinic and get checked out. And who does she see in the waiting room?
NONE OTHER THAN PAUL RUDD. AND HE’S GETTING TESTED, TOO, BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW THAT YET.
…And the rest is silly, Rom-Com, magic.
As proud as I am with the concept of this film alone, I could not contain my joy when my friend Aj made this:
IT’S A TRAILER! I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.
Also, it should be noted that Aj posted this video on the Facebook fan page for “iUchenna”, an upcoming internet parody of the show “iCarly”, starring my good pal Uchenna.
“iUchenna” premiers right after “The Legend of Dora” just in case you were wondering.
I love my friends.