EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK

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When you’re lost out there, and you’re all alone…

The other day in psychology, my class learned about “flashbulb memories”.

Basically, a flashbulb memory is a memory that had such an emotional impact on your mind, when you reflect on it, it’s like it happened only yesterday; you’re suddenly transported back to that very moment and it’s happening all over again in vivid clarity.

I don’t have a lot of flashbulb memories myself. Maybe that’s because most flashbulb memories are linked to extreme emotions, and nothing all that emotionally scarring has happened to me. I generally live a pretty charmed life, and when bad things do happen to me, I tend to look at it with humor (See:First Urine Related Incident).

There is, however, one moment stored away in my thought cavern that haunts me to this very day. Something that has damaged me so completely that whenever I hear those familiar words, “What ever happened to Predictability?”, I am suddenly spiraling once more into a deep chasm of depression.

I’m sure many of you share this flashbulb memory: The day you discovered that Bob Saget, AKA Danny Trainer from Full House, was a dirty, dirty man.

I grew up on Full House. In my mind, there was no other way to live than in a house with your besties and your three children. That was the gold standard, the ideal that every American should work towards. As the years went on, I moved on from the family-oriented shows of my youth to television aimed towards teens, but Full House always held a special place in my heart.

That is, until one stormy night, when my world came crashing down around me.

I was spending the night at my father’s house. I remember being really annoyed because my father didn’t have cable, and I was missing the newest Degrassi special (#FirstworldProblems). In my state of woe, it seemed impossible to me that any happiness could thrive. Suddenly, I heard a peel of laughter come from downstairs. I went to investigate.

My stepbrother, Alex, was sitting in front of his laptop, laughing hysterically. He looked up at me and gestured furiously for me to come join him.

“What are you watching?”, I asked, eager to join in on the fun. He stopped laughing just long enough to say, “Bob Saget. He has his own comedy-show thing. You have to see it!”

My heart began to sing. All the fond memories of years past came rushing back. If Bob Saget was anything like I remembered him, I was in for a treat.

“You got it, dude!”, I said as I took my seat. Alex stopped laughing, staring at me with a stony expression, before shaking his head and saying, “I’ll bring it back to the beginning for you.”

This is what I saw:

 

THE HORROR.

I felt a deep repulsion wash over my body, and yet I couldn’t look away! My childhood was being torn in two before my very eyes, and I was frozen in place. We watched the entire clip, Alex laughing all the way, occasionally shooting glances my way to see if I was enjoying myself. I choked out a couple nervous giggles for his benefit, but inside, my soul was no more.

Finally, after what seemed like eons of suffering, the video came to an end. Alex shut the laptop and looked at me expectantly. “So”, he began, “What’d you think?”.

What did I think? I thought the Endtimes were closing in upon us, that’s what. But I simply said, “HAVE MERCY.”

Alex rolled his eyes angrily and retired to his room, leaving me to sit in silence for the rest of the night.

DO BA DO BA BA BOW.

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